Today we are feeling a bit better than how things were going for us last week. The agency we are using is great, but sometimes it's best to eliminate the middle man from communicating between us and just talk to one another. We were a bit surprised with some of the ideas the birth mother had about how this whole openness thing was going to go, and had to take a few days to gather ourselves and attempt to think clearly. I remember a few hairy moments when thoughts like, "OK, God. I didn't agree to this whole thing expecting to have to share. This is not what I thought we had signed up for...." But then, this whole event has been completely His doing- so who am I to try to navigate the details, really?
So my biggest challenge? Receiving blessings, grabbing on to them with gratitude, but not clinging to them. What does that look like? Heck if I know right now, but I will try my best. And in the meantime we have to look deeper into this deal and pray, pray, pray for divine wisdom. Can anyone really decipher God's plan in the making? Sure, hindsight brings incredible perspective. But I don't have hindsight now and my only option is to pray, trust and step out. I remember in college coming across the verse in Joshua where God promises him that He will give Joshua every place where he will set his foot, and I picture this faith walk across a dark, bottomless chasm. As I walk suddenly these floating rocks just appear under my feet. (A few too many sci-fi movies, perhaps?) But even after one step appears I still find myself holding my breath until the next one, then the next one, and then finally one brings me to a steady place. Relief finally comes, but would I be prepared to turn around and walk it again? So another challenge is to learn, truly learn; not just 'whew! Made it through that one!', but really prepared to walk it again.
So as we process through how this open adoption is going to work out, we are attempting to look beyond this as just an answer to our prayers. Is God also planning to use this blessing as a way to reach out to the birth mom? What room in our hearts (beyond our obvious gratitude), can we make for her so that God can be revealed to her? So the dichotomy of my heart continues, but I know that obedience is my ultimate desire. We want to do what God has planned, knowing that if we prove trustworthy in this, He will be able to give more and more. And I remember another of my cries to God being, "Break off a slice for me!!!" So here I am, trying to digest this incredible portion. If only my eyes could me the size of my stomach.......
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Enter Eva
So here begins the life of our little blog.....six weeks and counting until we can hopefully post some pics, but until then just our thoughts as we await parenthood. Good luck sifting through the insanity.
We've entered into an open adoption after six years of infertility. For all those that don't know the story let me fill you in. We finished our last infertility treatment in December, and by last I mean, there is no way in heck we're ever doing that again. We were spent and we had given it all we had. So impressively cliche, I know. Truthfully, we only allowed ourselves to go so far with the doctors, treatments, monitors, test sticks and the whole glory of medically assisted conception. Turn down the lights and get some candles going after that whole deal. Let me tell you there is nothing more romantic then laying on an exam table staring up at a flourescent light display of some tropical island as the miracle of conception is attempted. Sarcastically Lee said, "Was it as good for you as it was for me?" Funny, Lee. And as the doctor left the room with a semi-patronizing comment, "Well, we'll see!" we wanted to scream. It came close to that when we got home, but a good cry seemed to do the trick. We knew at that moment that it was time to let go. What that looked like, heck if we knew, but we had to do it. So we went to Tahoe.
Nothing like a good trip down a mountain strapped to a snowboard to give you a sense of freedom. A few weeks after we returned from our trip my mom visited for a few days, most of which we spent dissecting the role of women in relation to husbands and families. I admit although I have been somewhat unaffected by the feminine diatribe, I honestly struggled a bit with what in the world I was meant to be. And in turn, because of my emotional straightjacket, I was subliminally communicating to Lee that my life as it was was not quite enough for me. Enter Cesar Milan. Yes, the Dog Whisperer.
We had been graciously given a free preview weekend of the National Geographic Channel by Dish Network. I know, they must really like us. So as we were watching Cesar perform his mind-boggling training he made a comment that pretty much struck me to the core. (Another intentionally utilized cliche.) His comment was that dogs live in the now. They do not walk around with the attitude of, 'yeah, I'm the dog that bit someone yesterday'. They constantly live in the 'now' reacting only to what's immediately in front of them. Apparantly I have not completely absorbed the scripture that talks about not worrying about tomorrow, when we only have today. I needed to learn it by watching some poor shih tzu who couldn't take a walk on leash.
And as the lesson of living in the now began to transform my perspective, Lee reminded me of a well known parable. If we started to look at the days we've been given as something we have been entrusted with, what are we doing with them? I had spent 75 months burrowing. And as I began was praying for purpose, outside of motherhood, we got THE phone call. As I mentioned my mom was visiting. She technically got the phone call, but what are technicalities, really? Anyway, we were in the kitchen talking about IKEA flooring when my mom turns to us and says, "That was Ally. Her neice just told the family that she is pregnant and plans to place the baby in an adoptive home. Would Lee and Tiffany be at all interested in this baby?" I cried, Lee poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down. We hugged, cried some more and now are six weeks away from bringing home our little girl! Wrap your brain around that if you can, because we are still six weeks into trying and still are pretty much trying to stay afloat.
We've entered into an open adoption after six years of infertility. For all those that don't know the story let me fill you in. We finished our last infertility treatment in December, and by last I mean, there is no way in heck we're ever doing that again. We were spent and we had given it all we had. So impressively cliche, I know. Truthfully, we only allowed ourselves to go so far with the doctors, treatments, monitors, test sticks and the whole glory of medically assisted conception. Turn down the lights and get some candles going after that whole deal. Let me tell you there is nothing more romantic then laying on an exam table staring up at a flourescent light display of some tropical island as the miracle of conception is attempted. Sarcastically Lee said, "Was it as good for you as it was for me?" Funny, Lee. And as the doctor left the room with a semi-patronizing comment, "Well, we'll see!" we wanted to scream. It came close to that when we got home, but a good cry seemed to do the trick. We knew at that moment that it was time to let go. What that looked like, heck if we knew, but we had to do it. So we went to Tahoe.
Nothing like a good trip down a mountain strapped to a snowboard to give you a sense of freedom. A few weeks after we returned from our trip my mom visited for a few days, most of which we spent dissecting the role of women in relation to husbands and families. I admit although I have been somewhat unaffected by the feminine diatribe, I honestly struggled a bit with what in the world I was meant to be. And in turn, because of my emotional straightjacket, I was subliminally communicating to Lee that my life as it was was not quite enough for me. Enter Cesar Milan. Yes, the Dog Whisperer.
We had been graciously given a free preview weekend of the National Geographic Channel by Dish Network. I know, they must really like us. So as we were watching Cesar perform his mind-boggling training he made a comment that pretty much struck me to the core. (Another intentionally utilized cliche.) His comment was that dogs live in the now. They do not walk around with the attitude of, 'yeah, I'm the dog that bit someone yesterday'. They constantly live in the 'now' reacting only to what's immediately in front of them. Apparantly I have not completely absorbed the scripture that talks about not worrying about tomorrow, when we only have today. I needed to learn it by watching some poor shih tzu who couldn't take a walk on leash.
And as the lesson of living in the now began to transform my perspective, Lee reminded me of a well known parable. If we started to look at the days we've been given as something we have been entrusted with, what are we doing with them? I had spent 75 months burrowing. And as I began was praying for purpose, outside of motherhood, we got THE phone call. As I mentioned my mom was visiting. She technically got the phone call, but what are technicalities, really? Anyway, we were in the kitchen talking about IKEA flooring when my mom turns to us and says, "That was Ally. Her neice just told the family that she is pregnant and plans to place the baby in an adoptive home. Would Lee and Tiffany be at all interested in this baby?" I cried, Lee poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down. We hugged, cried some more and now are six weeks away from bringing home our little girl! Wrap your brain around that if you can, because we are still six weeks into trying and still are pretty much trying to stay afloat.
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