Before the years are gone and I've lost my nerve...

'Cause this is what I've waited for..

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

4 weeks already

I think I've just entered into that time in life where you don't want to ever blink. Time moves too fast. Jeremiah is a month old!

I must have exceeded the word limit on my last entry (I had written all about the time at the hospital and it got bumped off the site....grrrrr!), so I've been wondering how best to fill in the gaps but not bore with details.

The last thing I want to do is lose the awe of what has happened, to callous myself to the story because of the monotony of life. But life has a way of just sucking out the extraordinary.......if you let it. These last few weeks have been surreal, but challenging as emotions surfaced I wasn't prepared for.

Because we had to wait for such a long time I placed such anticipation on the fulfillment I would receive. True, the desire is fulfilled, but I also believed that my seven years of waiting stored up all the caretaking energy I would need. Not so much. I told myself that I would never complain; it didn't matter how tired I was or how many times during the night I woke up, I would love every single second of it. Did I somehow believe that I would no longer be human once becoming a mother? That whole never-complaining thing lasted for all of 4 days! I am loving every second of it, but I am being challenged every second of it as well.

We are now out of the 'legal risk' period. Marisol's parental rights were legally terminated over a week ago, and now the birth father registry has to be checked to see if Jeremiah's birth father has listed himself on it. It would mean that we would have to go through the process of terminating those rights as well. If he is not listed, then we are completely in the clear and can start the finalization process, which typically takes about 3 months in the state of Minnesota. These are just formalities for us because we have absolutely no worries about any hurdles from this point on. God's made sure to communicate that to us.

A few weeks back I attended a prayer service at church where our pastor read the passage of scripture we would be praying through. It was Ephesians 3:14-21, which has special significance to me. It is Paul's prayer for the church in Ephesus, but became my prayer as Lee and I struggled in ministry and started our infertility voyage all those years ago.
"When I think of the wisdom and scope of God's plan I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he would give you mighty inner strength through his holy spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Now Glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. May he be given glory in the church and in Christ Jesus for ever and ever through endless ages. Amen." (NLT)

As I sat in church reading and praying God said, "See, Tiffany? Don't you see now what I was doing?" The message could have been, "You ungrateful child, are you happy now?"
But there was grace where there could have been judgment.

Out of God's love for me, for Lee, and especially for Jeremiah we have become this ever-anticipated family. I wish I had waited better. All those years of praying and weeping and questioning why God would allow us to suffer through such tender disappointment resulted in an incredible outpouring that was infinitely more than we ever could have hoped. Can I ever again doubt God's love for me? I keep remembering a comment my mom made to me several times over the last few years when I would watch God bless other people while I suffered. "Tiffany, do you think God loves you any less than He loves them?"

That's true for all of us, regardless of the struggle.

"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11