Before the years are gone and I've lost my nerve...

'Cause this is what I've waited for..

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

So this is what it feels like......

Lee started his first day working in Rochester this morning.  We've settled into our new house a bit, labored like crazy in the front yard so when we drive up to this new place it might actually feel like ours.  I haven't finished hanging things on the walls- they're not quite familiar enough to me, these DRYWALL structures. We spent 6 years in a plaster and creaky wood built house longing for the ease of drywall and now that we have it, I can't figure out where to put stuff.  I want to walk these walls and have them speak of a settled life here, but we're not there yet. There is such an air of promise here that I am so excited to jump into, but I have to take the time to rest, to settle. ( Hence, the non-blogging for the entire summer) Land first, Tiffany.  Then start walking.

I have to tell you what happened about a month ago. Shortly before Lee moved down (he had to work in Duluth until the end of July) we began talking about how this move was an opportunity for a fresh start in our life.  Where is God leading us?   What things did we need to start being more intentional about? (DATE nights, for one!!!) Those sorts of things launched us into a conversation about how much the past 11 years of infertility have affected our relationship, our goals, etc.  We did some calculations.  91.6% of our entire marriage has been clouded by infertility.  Don't get me wrong- there have been AMAZING times in the last 12 years of our marriage, but never entirely free from that thing hovering in the background, sapping a teeny bit of joy from just about everything.  But along came Jeremiah, sweet thing, who might someday understand that his birth and membership of our family came right smack dab in the middle of the most difficult years of my life and that because of it, he became an incredible lifeline of God's love for me. 

When we started talking about how much time we've devoted to the process of just building our family, we realized how little time we've spent being the foundation of this family.  Who have we become?  We realized that it was due time to start altering course.  So when Lee came down for a visit we went for a motorcycle ride.

It was awesome.  My heart raced as we leaned through curves along the lakeshore, and my mind kept thinking, "YES!  THIS is who we are!"  Windblown and helmets covered with bug guts we grinned at each other. 

I spent the rest of that night thinking and praying about it all.  The next morning Lee had to return to work and I really felt the nudge to attend church.  I'm not a fan of doing that when Lee's not there with me, but I just really felt like I was supposed to go.  I loaded my purse with activities for Jeremiah and found a place in the sanctuary that would make an easy exit possible should he get rowdy.

The worship team began to sing a song that I just really don't care for, but I tried hard not to wince or sink my shoulders in annoyance.  At that very moment God spoke to me.  I've thought about how to write this next part in a way that doesn't make me look like a total fruit, and even as I'm typing this God's saying, "Just write it, Tiffany."  Okay.

Suddenly I saw the Lord's outstretched hand before me.  Darkness surrounded me except for the light glowing from his arm.  Instinctively I reached for it and as I grasped onto it, he began to pull me up.  I didn't even realize I was on my knees but as I stood the darkness I was wearing, and surrounded with, fell away.  Underneath was the most beautiful gown- glowing, fitted perfectly to my form.  The instant the darkness reached the ground he spoke, "Tiffany. I have restored you, and I have restored you to Lee." 

I was flooded with images of a dance.  In "real life" I grabbed a pen and paper and scribbled down the outline of what I saw.  Maybe someday it can actually be acted out- we'll see. The whole thing lasted maybe a minute and afterward I stood there, trembling, pen still poised on my paper. 

And just like that I knew my struggle with infertility was over. God will do whatever he wants with my children, however they come to me, but I don't NEED it to happen a certain way.  He does not need to make things "right" by me.  He called me out and now I just need to walk in obedience to what he did and said.  My daily choice is to remember the power of that moment and to live in it.  It's absolute freedom and I won't go back to the way I was before.   

Now there is even more reason to take time to settle in.  My heart was just completely made over and I need to let it marinate.  The excitement of what's to come will not cause me to skip this step of rest, especially when I wondered for so many years when rest would come.  Wondering what it would look like when it was finally over for me.

So this is what it feels like.