Before the years are gone and I've lost my nerve...

'Cause this is what I've waited for..

Friday, August 20, 2010

When 10 years is actually like 15 minutes

If a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day, then the past 10 years of my life are as long as HALF of a sitcom on television (15 minutes) and 3,650,000 years.  Somehow I can relate to both.

I was telling Lee the other day, "How is it that I can be dealing with the same stuff after all these years?  Why is it I can't see more progress?"  But I've also just blinked- and here we are.  Married almost 11 years with an almost 3 year-old. 

15 minutes isn't a whole lot of time for extreme makeovers- even the best make-up artist in Hollywood would have their hands tied.  But 3,650,000 years?  Honey, a whole lot can get done in that amount of time.  Hindsight perspective would show progress, but on a very slow, incremental timeline.  That's how I feel today, that as much as I've been willing to progress and desiring to move forward, I'm inching along through far-too-familiar poo.

I'm impatient.  I'm tired.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I can't stop but I don't want to keep going.  Ever have days/weeks/years like that?  God's completely at work in our lives right now, but I'm so stuck today on what isn't happening that I'm struggling to adjust my focus to what's is happening right now

We are moving to Rochester next year and are really excited about it.  When the call came about it on Sunday evening I wondered if we would be able to get good news twice in one week, but round 2 of fertility treatments failed today and I'm not happy about it.  I'm so frustrated that I can't even properly thank God for what He's doing about our move.

I should be better at this.  This is where frustration moves from my circumstances to myself and no matter where I look there's disappointment.  I'm not handling this like someone with 10 years of experience.  I don't want to walk forward with this lingering over me, so I want to deal with it.  Right now.

I have the next 3 hours before I go into the clinic and start the next round of treatments to let God absolutely do what no Hollywood make-up artist would ever even dream of being able to do. 
I'm going to let him completely re-work my heart. 
He's done it countless times before (plus the 120 times I HAVE been counting) and He will do it again.

Tried and true, Fernando Ortega's album, The Shadow Of Your Wings: Hymns and Sacred Songs is now playing on my computer as I continue to write.  Ahhhhh........truth from scripture that I can sing along to.

He is patient.  He does not tire.  He never wavers.  He remembers that in comparison to him I am like the grass that withers away in the sun, therefore has no expectations that I'm going to be perfect at this, or that after 10 years I should have this figured out to a science.  Whether it's one day, 15 minutes, a thousand years or 3,650,000 years, it makes no difference to Him. 

"So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that's coming when Jesus arrives.  Don't easily slip back into the grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing.  You didn't know any better then; you do now. As obedient children, let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God's life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness.  God said, "I am holy; you be holy."  1 Peter 1:13-16

Monday, August 2, 2010

"Just remember, the mess you make is the mess you clean up," was my response to Jeremiah this morning when he asked if he could cut with scissors.  We have this conversation every time. But no matter how many times I tell him, when he's finished there are small scraps of construction paper littering my dining room floor and his desire to clean up is nonexistent.
"Pretend to be a dump truck, Jeremiah!  Scoop it up and DUUUMP it out."
"No I don't wanna do dat."
"Okay, well you don't have to pretend to be a dump truck but you still need to clean up your mess."

What came next in the conversation was an expression of his new-found sense of independence.  I'll spare you the details, but it resulted in Jeremiah spending a little bit of time sitting on the step in a time-out.  Being separated from our company is heartbreaking and it doesn't usually take but about 30 seconds before he is saying, "I'm ready to be a good listener, Mom!"  I'm trying to recognize when the attitude in his heart has changed versus his attempt to exert control and say when his time out is over.  It's hard. 

I don't always get it right. Sometimes I make him wait the full 2 minutes, other times I respond immediately with our post time-out conversation.  I want him to learn that just because we're ready for something to be over, even if our hearts are in the right place, it doesn't necessarily mean that it will be over.

Tell. Me. About. It.

Today marks 10 years of our infertility journey.  I kind of hate the word "journey".  It seems redundant and overused and boring.  So 10 years into our infertility whatever-word-is-better-than-journey, I find myself facing a date that I NEVER thought I'd see and certaily hoped I wouldn't.  I was ready for this 'whatever' to be over, hmmm, about 9 years and 7 months ago.  But it's taken me every moment of the last 10 years to get to THIS place, where I can say that as difficult as it's been, it's also something I've been entrusted with. 

I was talking to a friend earlier today and she asked me if, since our diagnosis, I struggled with bitterness toward God or other doctors because of how common my issue is and if I wondered why this wasn't discovered 10 years ago. Honestly, I spent all of maybe 5 minutes thinking about it after we first met with Dr. Corfman, because I could not think that and look at Jeremiah without realizing that if it had been discovered all those years ago, he would not be mine. 

So when I think about the time I've spent walking in intense conversation with God, I realize what a privilege it all has been.  Crazy? Perhaps.  You should know by now that I'm not a pie-in-the-sky kind of gal but I can tell you this right now- I've spent far too much time trying to figure out what I needed to learn, or how I needed to change the condition of my heart (beneficial processes however) and not enough time accepting what I've been given, or been entrusted with.  I want to walk through this "assignment" well-and not just for the purpose of getting to the other side, but because I want to honor the One who gave it to me.

I'll let him decide when it's over.

"Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you." (1 Corinthians 7:17 emphasis added)