Before the years are gone and I've lost my nerve...

'Cause this is what I've waited for..

Saturday, May 17, 2008

What a difference a year makes.

The days could not have been more similar, eerily so, and I kept reminiscing about the events from one year ago. Beautiful sunshine, obvious spring growth and grass that had just stretched into its full greenness. Spring has its own smell-remarkable and refreshing-and I attempted to inhale it into my spirit at every occasion. I couldn't shake the memories from last year however, I almost didn't want to, but couldn't let it damper my day. This was Mother's Day- my first!

Here I was, one year after the greatest devastation in my life, looking down at my beautiful boy playing in the grass and thanking God for the events that came my way. Who in their life has been moved so dramatically by God, however painful? Cool things happen all the time, but to be so beautifully carved, broken and then piece by piece slowly mended is a wonder to me. As much as I hated the pain and doubt and all things 'yuck' associated with disappointment, I loved how extraordinarily attended-to I felt. I long to see that same thing in my days of ordinary, and think I can if I just look closer.

After a day of family activity on Sunday, Lee grabbed my hand, wrapped Jeremiah in a blanket, and walked us out to the hillside where one year ago we had mourned. We stood there, a family formed in the coolest of ways, and prayed. Last year, crumpled to the ground after getting the phone call that the birth mom decided to keep the baby, I screamed at God saying, "I trusted you!!!" But then this year as I held my son close to me in the afternoon sunshine I got a chance to repeat those words, uttered differently this time. I will never get over it- I will never get over what God has done for us.

I planted tulips a few years back in the flowerbed we created alongside our garage wall. The backyard spans the area between the house and the garage and the previous owners were smart enough the build a bay window in the kitchen that overlooks the yard. Every morning I grab my coffee and assess the growth of my plants from that window. The tulips have tripled now- an unexpected surprise! What began as 5 white tulips have become 15 and signify more than just successful gardening to me. I planted them the fall we began our infertility treatments. Each bulb placed in the flowerbed had become a prayer- for freedom from the ache of the last several years of infertility, for understanding why I was unable to be whole, without constant pain... and as I dug down into the dark soil I began preparing my heart for change. A memorial, of sorts, was created and at the risk over over signifying and over spiritualizing things I cannot help but look at those flowers as a symbol of God's faithfulness! He took what I used for peace and closure and tripled it to blow me away. To me, it's just another sign of His desire to bless and a reminder of how He did.

I wonder if every Mother's Day week will evoke this much introspection; I kind of think so- for me at least.