Before the years are gone and I've lost my nerve...

'Cause this is what I've waited for..

Friday, February 8, 2008

Maybe I should've just gone to bed....

It seems the most inspired time for me to write is either in the early morning or at night when the house is quiet. Jeremiah's been asleep for a few hours already and I'm slowly learning to appreciate these hours of solitude, but still not sure if it's better for me to just go to bed. It has been a pretty introspective day and I'm both exhausted and inspired by it. I was talking with a friend today about the concept of what is 'enough'. As I mentioned in an earlier entry, I experienced a number of nightmares about feeling authentic in my new role, and I've been surprised by my sensitivity to new situations. Before Jeremiah came I would wince when people talked about how fertile they were (that still kinda hurts), how they weren't even trying to get pregnant, etc. But now, when all I want to do is prevent anything from diminishing how I'm feeling as a new mom, I find myself hearing words and phrases that stinkin' hurt! If anyone else asks me about Jeremiah's 'mom' in reference to the birth mother, I don't know what I'll do. I usually smile and continue in the conversation, as though I didn't skip a beat, all the while wanting to scream at them and say, "I'M his mom, you jerk!"

I was sitting in a group of young moms the other day, not actively engaged in the conversation, but included by default because I was in the room. The moms were talking about who their children resembled the most, them or their husbands, when one of the moms said, "Isn't is great when your child looks like YOU?" Of course she had no idea that I was wincing inside, nor was her comment even directed at me, but it still hurt like hades. I KNEW these conversations would happen someday, but I still felt completely unprepared for how to handle my emotions in response. I don't know how to stop looking at my friend's beautiful pregnant belly and not ache that I didn't get to carry Jeremiah that way. I do not dwell on it, (for what good would that do?) but I do still tend to grieve it now and again. So I choose not to start preparing my heart for the what-ifs down the road. I could.......oh, I could.....the idea of Jeremiah needing more of a mother than what he will get from me is terrifying. What if he wants to track down his birth mother someday because he feels something is missing, that I wasn't enough? I know that it might be a reality, and that I have years before it could potentially happen, and yes, that God will provide the ability to not only endure it, but support Jeremiah in that pursuit. But I can tell you right now that I do not like it, and never will. So there is a prime example of why I do not allow myself to go down the what-if road. Our life has finally seemed to settle down from all the events of last year, so why do I feel the need to stir up more stuff?

I hate to admit it, but I think I thrive in drama, as draining as it can be. But you know what's really cool? The phrase "in the meantime" no longer exists in this household. I spent years of my life "in the meantime" waiting for my purpose to begin. Not that having Jeremiah defines me, but God's given me purpose with one of the most important roles in this sweet boy's life. I knew I was made for more than what I was doing, but the wait was driving me insane. Hindsight, incredibly irritating in it's deferred arrival, changes everything. My wait is not just my story, but Jeremiah's. God still wants this story told and I'm just trying to figure out how He wants me to tell it. So in the meantime (haha), I just get to enjoy every single second of this incredible baby boy.

Jeremiah giggled for the first time a few weeks ago, and both Lee and I were there to hear it. Neither of us wants to miss a single thing when Jeremiah is changing so much. I've been singing a few silly songs we've created, and wonder as I sing them if they'll be ones he'll think back on someday.
I just love him, just absolutely love him. I hope that's enough.