Monday, September 8, 2008
On Labor Day as we swam in my sister's pool my mom looked at me, saying, "Can you believe it? One year ago today we met her for dinner. Now look at us!" I don't remember not knowing Jeremiah and I can't grasp who I was back then, but I know how very much I love right now. I've never lived in the present before, not until Jeremiah came. I tried, sure, but spent most of my time trying to imagine the future with whatever hope I could muster. All of this became even more evident to me as I read The Shack, a book I'm completely absorbed in right now.
"Such a powerful ability, the imagination! That power alone makes you so like us. But without wisdom, imagination is a cruel task-master. If I may prove my case, do you think humans were designed to live in the present or the past or the future?"
"Well," said Mack, hesitating, "I think the most obvious answer is that we were designed to live in the present. Is that wrong?"
Jesus chuckled. "Relax, Mack; this is not a test, it's a conversation. You are exactly correct, by the way. But now tell me, where do you spend most of your time in your mind, in your imagination, in the present, in the past, or in the future?"
Mack thought about it for a moment before answering. "I suppose I would have to say that I spend very little time in the present. For me, I spend a big piece in the past, but most of the rest of the time, I am trying to figure out the future."
"Not unlike most people. When I dwell with you, I do so in the present- I live in the present. Not the past, although much can be remembered and learned by looking back, but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure, I do not dwell in the future you visualize or imagine......"
Right now is most definitely not the future I visualized or imagined.....it's even cooler. God is speaking into my life at this moment, reminding me briefly of where I have been and what He has done, all with a little help from the autumn breeze.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
I've been mulling this verse from Proverbs 25 over and over in my mind and just read a commentary by John MacArthur about it. The supremacy of the mind of God so incredibly supersedes our own capacity that concealing matters from us reveals the Glory of Him, His nature, His power. But I wonder if there might even be more to it than just limitations of wisdom. Could it also be that He delights in surprises? Anticipating the looks on our faces when the answer comes?
I do not possibly have the ability to keep something quiet without extreme discomfort. To hold my tongue against a barrage of questions seems like complete torture, especially when they are asked in earnest and sincerity. But if you've ever tried to keep something secret, a most special surprise, there is almost delight in keeping your mouth shut.
No, seriously....you're gonna want to wait for this one.... it's gonna be big.
Here I sit at my computer, coffee next to the keyboard, freshly made hummus and pita bread still on my breath wondering about the hidden things of God....and I love it. I love everything about this moment.
Monday, March 3, 2008
It's been a heavy week, and I'm only just beginning to feel like I might very well have a huge target on my back. There's undoubtedly some strange spiritual stuff going on around Duluth right now, and I even hesitate to write that because there's still a part of me that screams, "But I'm Baptist!! We don't talk about spiritual warfare, nonetheless wage against it!" Seriously, I never gave much thought into anything of that nature until I started hearing my name being called in my house at night. Really, I know how it sounds, but it is true. Freaky, but true. So anyways, I was washing my face in the tub last night (I would normally wash it in the sink, but we're having some clog issues that refuse to get flushed and I just don't have the patience to let the water trickle down the drain) and as I bent over to gather water from the faucet I felt like there was someone behind me. Not only was it behind me, but I felt like it was about to grab me by the hair and slam my head into the side of the tub. A little unnerving perhaps? Absolutely- and completely absurd, but I couldn't help but feel like they were back. I had prayed with a friend at church that morning, sharing some of the events and crap from the previous week, when she shared that all across our church people are experiencing similar things. Because of that conversation, my bathroom rendezvous with the dark side seemed a little less intimidating.
"I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I will not be shaken!"
"Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world."
"I'm a child of God, covered by the blood of Jesus Christ- you have no power here, now be gone."
"You leave my son alone......."
That last one surprised me as it came out of my lips. It wasn't my first mother bear experience, as just a few weeks prior I about tackled some poor middle aged lady as she got a little too close to Jeremiah's car seat while we were grocery shopping. I really was about to take her down......it was pretty comical as I attempted to compose myself in the coffee and tea aisle all the while in my brain seeing the possible events unfold......beans spilling onto the floor, tea boxes in the air.
The sensation that someone was in my house disappeared as suddenly as I felt it come on, and I simply finished up in the bathroom and went to bed. There was no room for fear and I actually felt incredibly empowered as I made my way across the hall to my bedroom. A strange story, no doubt, but what this boils down to is this- boldness has come with motherhood that I didn't expect, and all this time that I've been trying to authenticate my role as a mother showed me that when it comes down to it, my God-given mother bear instincts have kicked in. I've been validated. I've listened long enough to lies telling me I'm not a real mom, that I won't be enough for Jeremiah, that other moms see me as unequal, etc. It's time for the lies to stop affecting me- God has made that clear. I've got better things to do with my time and a little boy that is craving my attention; a husband that adores me and needs my liberated heart; friends that need an extra boost of encouragement and a good dose of truth. I cannot do and be any of these things if I listen to the lies that have been tailored just to harm me. They hold no power and I refuse to listen anymore. So there.
Friday, February 8, 2008
I was sitting in a group of young moms the other day, not actively engaged in the conversation, but included by default because I was in the room. The moms were talking about who their children resembled the most, them or their husbands, when one of the moms said, "Isn't is great when your child looks like YOU?" Of course she had no idea that I was wincing inside, nor was her comment even directed at me, but it still hurt like hades. I KNEW these conversations would happen someday, but I still felt completely unprepared for how to handle my emotions in response. I don't know how to stop looking at my friend's beautiful pregnant belly and not ache that I didn't get to carry Jeremiah that way. I do not dwell on it, (for what good would that do?) but I do still tend to grieve it now and again. So I choose not to start preparing my heart for the what-ifs down the road. I could.......oh, I could.....the idea of Jeremiah needing more of a mother than what he will get from me is terrifying. What if he wants to track down his birth mother someday because he feels something is missing, that I wasn't enough? I know that it might be a reality, and that I have years before it could potentially happen, and yes, that God will provide the ability to not only endure it, but support Jeremiah in that pursuit. But I can tell you right now that I do not like it, and never will. So there is a prime example of why I do not allow myself to go down the what-if road. Our life has finally seemed to settle down from all the events of last year, so why do I feel the need to stir up more stuff?
I hate to admit it, but I think I thrive in drama, as draining as it can be. But you know what's really cool? The phrase "in the meantime" no longer exists in this household. I spent years of my life "in the meantime" waiting for my purpose to begin. Not that having Jeremiah defines me, but God's given me purpose with one of the most important roles in this sweet boy's life. I knew I was made for more than what I was doing, but the wait was driving me insane. Hindsight, incredibly irritating in it's deferred arrival, changes everything. My wait is not just my story, but Jeremiah's. God still wants this story told and I'm just trying to figure out how He wants me to tell it. So in the meantime (haha), I just get to enjoy every single second of this incredible baby boy.