Before the years are gone and I've lost my nerve...

'Cause this is what I've waited for..

Friday, January 2, 2009

450 Nights

The other evening as I was putting Jeremiah in his crib for the night the thought crossed my mind of how many times I had done just that very thing. I think the number hovers somewhere around 450. That sounds like a lot, but I've only just blinked and the time has been spent. As I'm sure almost every mother does, I grieved a little bit over the time that has gone by feeling like I didn't get enough of it. I don't think I ever will, though, but I'm determined not to be one of those women that weeps uncontrollably at her son's wedding (you can hold me to that, I promise).

Since my last entry Jeremiah has blossomed into this incredibly animated and somewhat precocious child and I absolutely LOVE it. We spent the latter part of September taking hikes through Fall foliage up the North Shore, and most of October celebrating Jeremiah's first birthday and all his developments. I think one of the most incredible moments of this past year was hearing him call me Mama. I never tire of hearing that- not ever. It's a title I wasn't sure I would ever have, not much less hear coming from my child's lips and I am just so very grateful. I've been a bit addicted to watching this show called The Locator, which is all about reuniting people. I watch, transfixed, as I see person after person with an ache to reconnect with someone, listening to their stories of feeling incomplete or less than loved completely. Jeremiah may decide someday to explore his biological roots- I have to be okay with that- but what I am not okay with is that search ignited by inadequate love on my part. He has been and will continue to be, more than enough for me, above and beyond what I could have imagined, and I pray that is communicated to him every moment of every day.

We hope and pray that God continues to grow our family, and even still hope for at least one pregnancy. I'm processing through how to desire something without feeling guilty for wanting it when I've been given such an incredible gift. Is it ungrateful? I don't think so. Is it normal? I hope so. Does it diminish my love for Jeremiah or the recognition of what God did? Absolutely not. I'm holding it gingerly for the time being, not quite sure what to do with it but to continually trust God's plan like we've been doing for the past 8 1/2 years. God has been faithful, He will be again.
Obviously I have my hands full at the moment, and when I do have those moments of uncertainty, all it takes is one look into those huge brown eyes and it's almost like he's been given to me all over again. What more could I possibly ask for but more and more nights like the 450 I've already had?