Before the years are gone and I've lost my nerve...

'Cause this is what I've waited for..

Monday, June 25, 2007

I've spent the last few weeks contemplating. That's about it.
No option, no avenue has sounded good, yet I have felt the need to pursue something. When God seems silent it's easy to put a plan into action. Do we wait for specific direction or have we not tasted enough door jam? Do we pursue something until it slams shut in our face again? And to be perfectly honest, I didn't really like the last door-slamming and don't really feel like trying it again.

But in our conversations about not letting these childless years go to waste my dilemma has been to be actively in pursuit of something but yet not allow it to consume my every waking moment. So how do you, exactly, cork a geyser? The desire does not change, it does not fade, it does not lessen, it does not get easier to be denied, it does not get replaced. Only God can maintain steadiness of heart, energy to endure, and provide ultimate satisfaction. So I am attempting to allow Him to do just that, even while I am still getting Enfamil coupons in the mail.

We are leaning once again towards domestic infant adoption, but are not completely sold on the idea of using the same agency. We may still, but I think we should also pursue agencies here in Duluth as well as Adoption Lawyers. It might be easier for us to have our advocates a little more accessible.

So I've decided that while we continue to pursue adoption, I will pour myself into my other loves. I'm excited about allowing myself to be free! I had a taste of it, briefly, and how sweet it was! To recapture what I experienced in January, for those few short weeks, will be a tremendous relief to my heart. I think I need that considering I've been trying to hold myself together for a while and the facade is now splintering all over the place.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Should've beens....

Lee just celebrated his 30th birthday yesterday and I gave him quite a bit of grief for entering into the realm of thirty somethings much to his chagrin. I know I'm not that far behind, but still I do have the advantage and I will make use of it.

Yesterday was difficult for me. I didn't mention it to Lee as to avoid putting a damper on the day, but it was one of the several days I've had over the past weeks where thoughts are consumed with the should've beens. Yesterday was supposed to be the fulfillment of Lee's desire to have a child by the time he was thirty. It was one of those hopeful thoughts but not quite prayers that started in January with that famed and blasted call. We should've been celebrating as a new family.
We should've been packing a diaper bag, rather than our golf bags.
We should've been been at our baby shower on Saturday, rather than at the park in the cold.
We should've been learning how to treat an umbilical cord rather than mounting crown molding in the dining room.
We should've been up late at night changing diapers rather than watching movies.
We should've been....we should've been....we should've been......

I fight those thoughts constantly and I know not to give into them, but it doesn't take much and I'm absorbed in the life I expected we would be living now. I'm resisting the 'yuck' of what is familiar to me; avoiding the baby aisles in Target, fearing the phone call from the next person to announce their pregnancy, counting days in the hope that I might be pregnant, the discontent of knowing I'm not and may never be.....and on and on and on. THAT is familiar to me. What is not familiar is the 'now' where I have a choice to make: I can either slip back into the 'yuck', I can dwell on the should've beens, or I can advance.

All seem undesirable, actually, because advancing is completely unclear and I don't know how to be. Oh sure, I know all of the right Christian attributes to personify, but I don't want to just act it- I want to be it. So while I wait for something to happen that permits me to get some clarity, I will not give the stuff I'm still getting in the mail a second glance- I will just throw them away and hope when the time comes when I actually NEED coupons for baby formula they will come.

And without rushing the emotional process of disappointment, we have to decide soon which country to pursue, so please pray for us- specifically for direction!