I've spent the last few weeks contemplating. That's about it.
No option, no avenue has sounded good, yet I have felt the need to pursue something. When God seems silent it's easy to put a plan into action. Do we wait for specific direction or have we not tasted enough door jam? Do we pursue something until it slams shut in our face again? And to be perfectly honest, I didn't really like the last door-slamming and don't really feel like trying it again.
But in our conversations about not letting these childless years go to waste my dilemma has been to be actively in pursuit of something but yet not allow it to consume my every waking moment. So how do you, exactly, cork a geyser? The desire does not change, it does not fade, it does not lessen, it does not get easier to be denied, it does not get replaced. Only God can maintain steadiness of heart, energy to endure, and provide ultimate satisfaction. So I am attempting to allow Him to do just that, even while I am still getting Enfamil coupons in the mail.
We are leaning once again towards domestic infant adoption, but are not completely sold on the idea of using the same agency. We may still, but I think we should also pursue agencies here in Duluth as well as Adoption Lawyers. It might be easier for us to have our advocates a little more accessible.
So I've decided that while we continue to pursue adoption, I will pour myself into my other loves. I'm excited about allowing myself to be free! I had a taste of it, briefly, and how sweet it was! To recapture what I experienced in January, for those few short weeks, will be a tremendous relief to my heart. I think I need that considering I've been trying to hold myself together for a while and the facade is now splintering all over the place.