I must be entering some new stage in the grieving process, or just realizing that I've spent the last month in relative silence. Oh, there's been plenty of noise but the silence I'm talking about has more to do with me and God. I don't really know how to talk to Him right now and I'm desperately attempting to cling to the faith I once knew. We are literally surrounded by difficult circumstances that seem almost unbearable and I don't know how to join the bandwagon that says these difficulties are not God's doing. I cannot tell you how many times these last few weeks people have said we've been robbed from and that God's angry about it. Honestly, I don't believe it. The God I believe in is not taken by surprise by anything and certainly does not have things snatched from His hand. Sure it would be easier to believe that God only does good, or what we can see as good, instead of believing that God brings and not just allows grief. And you know what? I'm okay with that. Even if my current circumstances make it harder to see how God could make anything good of this that will make up for the loss.
I've been reading this passage in Lamentations 3 quite a bit lately:
"21 I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
22-24 God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left.
25-27 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times.
28-30 When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst.
31-33 Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way;"
So I've got to believe that my relative silence has got to be more about waiting for hope to appear than that God is absent. I cannot believe in a God who makes Himself unavailable to me, so instead I willingly 'enter the silence'.
I started writing this post last weekend and am now just returning to it (Wednesday). Sunday brought the beginning of some much-needed healing for me. As I listened to our pastor pray and thank God for the trial he's facing in his own family I knew it was time to follow suit. I almost couldn't believe that I was thanking God for the miscarriage- not like, 'Thanks God that my child is dead', but, "God you have proven yourself to me time and time again that nothing, absolutely nothing that happens in life is wasted. I hold that to be true right now and believe that this is evidence that you are actively working in my life- however painful the procedure might be. Thank you for this time...."
Ugh, it was not easy to do at all and I almost felt like it was something my mind was doing with the expectation that my heart would fall in line at some point, but when I got home and talked to Lee about what was going on I knew that something had shifted for me.
I don't know where this is going. I still don't entirely know how to talk to God right now, but I know that the bible says that when there are no words the Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf. At times I feel my spirit groan and even if I can't put words to it or explain exactly what I'm feeling, God knows it thoroughly to the very last breath. I know that it's time for me to start moving forward. So I will take this step, this one beautiful but little bit scary step and wait, wait, wait for hope to appear.