Before the years are gone and I've lost my nerve...

'Cause this is what I've waited for..

Thursday, August 30, 2007


My life just got seriously complicated. On three separate occasions this week I basically cried myself to sleep while I was asking God, "THIS?!? THIS is what I'm supposed to be doing? All that we've gone through these past months has been for this right now?"

These first few days of school were more about convincing myself to stick it out rather than high tail it and run like my instincts said to do. But I endured, I did well, I actually absorbed information all the while trying NOT to compare myself with the sweet 18-year-olds who were eating up Cell Biology like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. I actually had one girl say to me today in lab, "Oh, yeah. I forgot how much older you are." Seriously....

But that's not the point. So as I was sitting through classes slowly feeling like my plans for this upcoming fall were starting to deflate I wondered if I was even tracking with what God was doing. Have I missed something here? Shouldn't I be more excited about what I'm doing? Not that I don't want to continue with the nursing track, I most definitely do, but I guess I've been waiting for some relieving sigh of clarity to come my way giving me confirmation that I've found my actual life calling. It has not given me the foreshadowing of purpose I expected. I think my expectations were slightly askew, however. Nursing is not my first "love-to-do", as my mom says, but I will love doing it. I can see that I will, but it does not replace my most sacred of desires and I think realizing that has given me some permission to process through the disappointment I legitimately feel about being back in school.

But again, not the point. What has suddenly made things so complicated, so welcomed, is news I received today that once again a birth mom has chosen us to adopt her baby! Isn't it like God to provide answers to even our most facetious questions? So my questions this week came a few days early.....

Even as excited as Lee and I are, we are all about business. I remember going to the hospital (with the first birth mom), holding that baby and feeling like my heart was tethered, restrained. Like I heard, "Tiffany, wait. Not yet." We were going to wait until that baby was home until we poured out our hearts.

This baby, a boy, is expected October 10th. I will be meeting the birth mom on Monday and will be able to actualize all of this then. So again, we tether ourselves until we can unleash on that little guy we just might bring home! Until then I feel stupid for once again stomping my feet, throwing my insolant tantrum, and questioning God's love for me. And ever so gently He reminds me once again that He is not done!

Friday, August 24, 2007

It takes a little time, sometimes....

' turn the Titanic around'.

I admit I was a huge Amy Grant fan when I was a kid, even to the point of recording myself over the performance track of "Jehovah". I haven't listened to her lately, but her 90's hit, "Takes a little Time" has been applicable this week.

I registered for the first of my nursing classes on Tuesday in a room full of 18-year-olds. As I listened to the advisor talk about how important it is to 'schedule your time wisely' and to 'take advantage of all the social activities campus has to offer', I looked around the room to see if I could determine who was actually there to learn something this year. I don't know how I ever really absorbed college the first time around and I think I will be a much better student now that I'm older, considering I was the only one not looking around the room for someone to catch my eye.

Another opportunity for adoption closed on us this week, although it didn't come as a total surprise that the birth mom decided to keep the baby. I still don't understand why we are continually presented with leads only to have them fizzle- I don't get the point. So school is not only a welcome distraction, but it allows me to pursue my own sense of accomplishment and will eventually enable me to provide substantially towards our financial goals. Sounds totally adult, doesn't it? So why am I actually scared to death to go back to school?!?

I think I'm dealing with slow-motion whiplash, if there is such a thing. For this entire year(basically) we have been on the adoption track. Now I'm doing something completely different and it scares me a bit. Amongst other reasons, I'm scared that I'm not understanding God's will, that I'm pressing on totally oblivious to what I'm actually supposed to be doing. As I prepared myself for these classes and applied for student loans I kept praying that God would shut this door, but others shut instead.

So I feel like my heart is the Titanic, and I'm waiting for it to come around to where my life seems to be leading. We are continuing to explore adoption leads as they come in (one that we are considering getting involved with could happen very soon), so we appreciate your continued prayers!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Something is bound to happen soon, I've got to believe that. I don't know what it is about mounting pressure that also brings with it a sense of pending relief. Foreshadowing perhaps? I was slowly sinking these last few weeks, like someone was grabbing onto my shoulders and dragging behind me. Every effort to move, to breathe was labored and I reached a critical point where I knew I was either going to break or the cloud was going to lift.

For a brief moment it was like the cloud parted and with it came a dose of renewed endurance. I saw the lie that I've been believing for years now. The deceiving message of infertility is that we are in a battle of wills between us and God. Like every pregnant woman or tiny baby was told to walk right in front of us at our most sensitive moments. That God is cruel at times, or impersonal. And we question why He's doing this to us.

I remember vividly some of those moments. Most of them came in May when we were down in the cities. At this time the birth mom had gone into bridge care, so while we waited for word from her we decided to walk around Stillwater. Antique shops should be a safe place to roam without reminders, right? But as I turned corner after corner and saw baby carriages, pictures, and baptism gowns I screamed (in my head), "I can't escape it!!" But the message came, "You are not meant to escape it, you are meant to endure it."

We decided to take some time and sit right at the edge of the water. Trying to compose myself, we watched this little girl skip around in her dress. Cute. Her parents were sitting a little ways down the walk from where we were and they called her over to them, and as she started heading their way she walked right behind me and said, "I'm coming, mommy!" Ugh! It was like the splintering had finally reached the edge of the plate- I crumbled. Couldn't God have made that girl run behind us without saying anything? But again the message was endure, endure, endure, endure.

The battle I'm in is not between me and God, the battle is for my heart, my reactions, my ability to be a true friend to others who are being blessed when I am not. And even right now as we wait for decisions to be made by other people that could make or break our chances for a family the battle is its fiercest. I am determined, however, to endure.