Complicated.

My life just got seriously complicated. On three separate occasions this week I basically cried myself to sleep while I was asking God, "THIS?!? THIS is what I'm supposed to be doing? All that we've gone through these past months has been for this right now?"

These first few days of school were more about convincing myself to stick it out rather than high tail it and run like my instincts said to do. But I endured, I did well, I actually absorbed information all the while trying NOT to compare myself with the sweet 18-year-olds who were eating up Cell Biology like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. I actually had one girl say to me today in lab, "Oh, yeah. I forgot how much older you are." Seriously....

But that's not the point. So as I was sitting through classes slowly feeling like my plans for this upcoming fall were starting to deflate I wondered if I was even tracking with what God was doing. Have I missed something here? Shouldn't I be more excited about what I'm doing? Not that I don't want to continue with the nursing track, I most definitely do, but I guess I've been waiting for some relieving sigh of clarity to come my way giving me confirmation that I've found my actual life calling. It has not given me the foreshadowing of purpose I expected. I think my expectations were slightly askew, however. Nursing is not my first "love-to-do", as my mom says, but I will love doing it. I can see that I will, but it does not replace my most sacred of desires and I think realizing that has given me some permission to process through the disappointment I legitimately feel about being back in school.

But again, not the point. What has suddenly made things so complicated, so welcomed, is news I received today that once again a birth mom has chosen us to adopt her baby! Isn't it like God to provide answers to even our most facetious questions? So my questions this week came a few days early.....

Even as excited as Lee and I are, we are all about business. I remember going to the hospital (with the first birth mom), holding that baby and feeling like my heart was tethered, restrained. Like I heard, "Tiffany, wait. Not yet." We were going to wait until that baby was home until we poured out our hearts.

This baby, a boy, is expected October 10th. I will be meeting the birth mom on Monday and will be able to actualize all of this then. So again, we tether ourselves until we can unleash on that little guy we just might bring home! Until then I feel stupid for once again stomping my feet, throwing my insolant tantrum, and questioning God's love for me. And ever so gently He reminds me once again that He is not done!