Something is bound to happen soon, I've got to believe that. I don't know what it is about mounting pressure that also brings with it a sense of pending relief. Foreshadowing perhaps? I was slowly sinking these last few weeks, like someone was grabbing onto my shoulders and dragging behind me. Every effort to move, to breathe was labored and I reached a critical point where I knew I was either going to break or the cloud was going to lift.
For a brief moment it was like the cloud parted and with it came a dose of renewed endurance. I saw the lie that I've been believing for years now. The deceiving message of infertility is that we are in a battle of wills between us and God. Like every pregnant woman or tiny baby was told to walk right in front of us at our most sensitive moments. That God is cruel at times, or impersonal. And we question why He's doing this to us.
I remember vividly some of those moments. Most of them came in May when we were down in the cities. At this time the birth mom had gone into bridge care, so while we waited for word from her we decided to walk around Stillwater. Antique shops should be a safe place to roam without reminders, right? But as I turned corner after corner and saw baby carriages, pictures, and baptism gowns I screamed (in my head), "I can't escape it!!" But the message came, "You are not meant to escape it, you are meant to endure it."
We decided to take some time and sit right at the edge of the water. Trying to compose myself, we watched this little girl skip around in her dress. Cute. Her parents were sitting a little ways down the walk from where we were and they called her over to them, and as she started heading their way she walked right behind me and said, "I'm coming, mommy!" Ugh! It was like the splintering had finally reached the edge of the plate- I crumbled. Couldn't God have made that girl run behind us without saying anything? But again the message was endure, endure, endure, endure.
The battle I'm in is not between me and God, the battle is for my heart, my reactions, my ability to be a true friend to others who are being blessed when I am not. And even right now as we wait for decisions to be made by other people that could make or break our chances for a family the battle is its fiercest. I am determined, however, to endure.