Before the years are gone and I've lost my nerve...

'Cause this is what I've waited for..

Monday, July 30, 2007

Saturday was spent at a family get-together on Forest Lake. I think it was the first time in a while that the entire family was in the same place at the same time. What fun!! Jet skis, paddle boats, BBQ and chocolate cannot be topped as far as perfect combinations go. The day was full of memory-making, full of "isn't so-and-so such a better swimmer this year?", full of "Tiffany, watch this!" My heart was full and breaking at the same time- how can a fun day in the sun and water be so bittersweet? I LOVED being with my family. My neices and nephews who I absolutely adore just made me long for my children all the more and I kept thinking as I squeezed them a little harder, "If I love my siblings' kids this much- what will it be like with mine?" But that made me really sad and I am determined next year that there will be NO crying on the way home!

Please continue to pray for us! We are continuing to explore our options for adoption and are needing extra support as we try to remain steady and hopeful......

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Like Abe

Today I decide to take my lunch to a local beach in Two Harbors before I go to my chiropractor's appointment. It's an absolutely gorgeous day! The beach, tucked away from the main road into town, nestles into a bay that curves around rocky points that jut out into Lake Superior.
The water is warmer here and there are kayaks milling around not too far from shore. I notice on the far side of the beach little girls digging a deep trench, and for a minute it only looks like there is one girl, but then I see her when the other steps out of the way. She's almost entirely below the surface sand and like they found a treasure they can't wait to share, they run like mad across the beach to find their family. The wind is blowing, so much so that the one with long blond hair clings to her pink hat as she runs. I giggle as it reminds be of an old man that believes his toupee isn't noticeable until the wind picks up. But as I watch her little legs pump across the sand, holding on for dear life to that hat, my giggling stops and I just want to weep. And again I pray- pray that somehow soon all this will make sense to me and then I'm reminded of Abraham and Isaac.

Why would God ask Abraham to sacrifice his one and only rightful heir after all the promises He made regarding Abraham's descendants? Just to see if he would do it? We wondered during our first adoption attempt if God was perhaps just leading us through it just to see us active in our faith.
"That's dumb!", I remember thinking, "Doesn't God already know my heart and my willingness? Why actually make me go through the steps just to have it fall to pieces. That doesn't make any sense." Like Abraham though, God wanted us to act out our faith and so we did. But in Abe's situation God provided a ram stuck in the bushes at the most critical point in his journey. Lee and I were talking about this on Sunday saying, "We see no ram! Where is our ram?!?" I still don't know, and unlike Abe we have not been promised anything and I wonder if that made it easier for him to climb that hill with his son asking along the way where the animal for sacrifice was. But I resonate with Abraham's answer: "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And indeed, God himself will provide our ram as well.

Monday, July 2, 2007

I Would Die For That

I think she nailed it for me at least.....

I've come to love Facebook- the online social network where only my invited friends can see my info. I check my page every day to see who's written me a note, or sent me a message. I actually enjoy it more than talking on the phone- that may seem mildly antisocial, but because my phone calls usually last for quite some time, it's nice to be able to send a quick hello to someone without getting into the gorey details. Creating a profile of myself online was easy- if now I can only transfer that ease onto the adoption stuff.

We are starting to compile pictures to place in our profile for the agency and I'm realizing that I am going to have to get out the camera. I don't want to pose-that's stupid, but when you are trying to give someone a feel for who you are so they will give you their child, the pressure is slightly more intense to look like you might have it together. Right.

I'm working on my attitude regarding the "dear birthparent" letter. I haven't started writing it yet, and am actually dragging my feet a bit in getting myself to just sit down and do it. I realize that when I do write this letter, with all the specifications regarding what we are looking for in this adoption, that we might not find a match. We are actually relieved to a certain extent that our previous attempt didn't work- we would not have chosen the amount of contact and involvement that the birth mom wanted, but it was part of the deal. Not so, now.

In a sense God is giving us an opportunity to help create what our family will be rather than just be at the mercy of someone else. So we put out our "fleece" and wait to see what God will do.