Before the years are gone and I've lost my nerve...

'Cause this is what I've waited for..

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Should've beens....

Lee just celebrated his 30th birthday yesterday and I gave him quite a bit of grief for entering into the realm of thirty somethings much to his chagrin. I know I'm not that far behind, but still I do have the advantage and I will make use of it.

Yesterday was difficult for me. I didn't mention it to Lee as to avoid putting a damper on the day, but it was one of the several days I've had over the past weeks where thoughts are consumed with the should've beens. Yesterday was supposed to be the fulfillment of Lee's desire to have a child by the time he was thirty. It was one of those hopeful thoughts but not quite prayers that started in January with that famed and blasted call. We should've been celebrating as a new family.
We should've been packing a diaper bag, rather than our golf bags.
We should've been been at our baby shower on Saturday, rather than at the park in the cold.
We should've been learning how to treat an umbilical cord rather than mounting crown molding in the dining room.
We should've been up late at night changing diapers rather than watching movies.
We should've been....we should've been....we should've been......

I fight those thoughts constantly and I know not to give into them, but it doesn't take much and I'm absorbed in the life I expected we would be living now. I'm resisting the 'yuck' of what is familiar to me; avoiding the baby aisles in Target, fearing the phone call from the next person to announce their pregnancy, counting days in the hope that I might be pregnant, the discontent of knowing I'm not and may never be.....and on and on and on. THAT is familiar to me. What is not familiar is the 'now' where I have a choice to make: I can either slip back into the 'yuck', I can dwell on the should've beens, or I can advance.

All seem undesirable, actually, because advancing is completely unclear and I don't know how to be. Oh sure, I know all of the right Christian attributes to personify, but I don't want to just act it- I want to be it. So while I wait for something to happen that permits me to get some clarity, I will not give the stuff I'm still getting in the mail a second glance- I will just throw them away and hope when the time comes when I actually NEED coupons for baby formula they will come.

And without rushing the emotional process of disappointment, we have to decide soon which country to pursue, so please pray for us- specifically for direction!

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