Before the years are gone and I've lost my nerve...

'Cause this is what I've waited for..

Friday, August 20, 2010

When 10 years is actually like 15 minutes

If a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day, then the past 10 years of my life are as long as HALF of a sitcom on television (15 minutes) and 3,650,000 years.  Somehow I can relate to both.

I was telling Lee the other day, "How is it that I can be dealing with the same stuff after all these years?  Why is it I can't see more progress?"  But I've also just blinked- and here we are.  Married almost 11 years with an almost 3 year-old. 

15 minutes isn't a whole lot of time for extreme makeovers- even the best make-up artist in Hollywood would have their hands tied.  But 3,650,000 years?  Honey, a whole lot can get done in that amount of time.  Hindsight perspective would show progress, but on a very slow, incremental timeline.  That's how I feel today, that as much as I've been willing to progress and desiring to move forward, I'm inching along through far-too-familiar poo.

I'm impatient.  I'm tired.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I can't stop but I don't want to keep going.  Ever have days/weeks/years like that?  God's completely at work in our lives right now, but I'm so stuck today on what isn't happening that I'm struggling to adjust my focus to what's is happening right now

We are moving to Rochester next year and are really excited about it.  When the call came about it on Sunday evening I wondered if we would be able to get good news twice in one week, but round 2 of fertility treatments failed today and I'm not happy about it.  I'm so frustrated that I can't even properly thank God for what He's doing about our move.

I should be better at this.  This is where frustration moves from my circumstances to myself and no matter where I look there's disappointment.  I'm not handling this like someone with 10 years of experience.  I don't want to walk forward with this lingering over me, so I want to deal with it.  Right now.

I have the next 3 hours before I go into the clinic and start the next round of treatments to let God absolutely do what no Hollywood make-up artist would ever even dream of being able to do. 
I'm going to let him completely re-work my heart. 
He's done it countless times before (plus the 120 times I HAVE been counting) and He will do it again.

Tried and true, Fernando Ortega's album, The Shadow Of Your Wings: Hymns and Sacred Songs is now playing on my computer as I continue to write.  Ahhhhh........truth from scripture that I can sing along to.

He is patient.  He does not tire.  He never wavers.  He remembers that in comparison to him I am like the grass that withers away in the sun, therefore has no expectations that I'm going to be perfect at this, or that after 10 years I should have this figured out to a science.  Whether it's one day, 15 minutes, a thousand years or 3,650,000 years, it makes no difference to Him. 

"So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that's coming when Jesus arrives.  Don't easily slip back into the grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing.  You didn't know any better then; you do now. As obedient children, let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God's life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness.  God said, "I am holy; you be holy."  1 Peter 1:13-16

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