Before the years are gone and I've lost my nerve...

'Cause this is what I've waited for..



Monday, August 2, 2010

"Just remember, the mess you make is the mess you clean up," was my response to Jeremiah this morning when he asked if he could cut with scissors.  We have this conversation every time. But no matter how many times I tell him, when he's finished there are small scraps of construction paper littering my dining room floor and his desire to clean up is nonexistent.
"Pretend to be a dump truck, Jeremiah!  Scoop it up and DUUUMP it out."
"No I don't wanna do dat."
"Okay, well you don't have to pretend to be a dump truck but you still need to clean up your mess."

What came next in the conversation was an expression of his new-found sense of independence.  I'll spare you the details, but it resulted in Jeremiah spending a little bit of time sitting on the step in a time-out.  Being separated from our company is heartbreaking and it doesn't usually take but about 30 seconds before he is saying, "I'm ready to be a good listener, Mom!"  I'm trying to recognize when the attitude in his heart has changed versus his attempt to exert control and say when his time out is over.  It's hard. 

I don't always get it right. Sometimes I make him wait the full 2 minutes, other times I respond immediately with our post time-out conversation.  I want him to learn that just because we're ready for something to be over, even if our hearts are in the right place, it doesn't necessarily mean that it will be over.

Tell. Me. About. It.

Today marks 10 years of our infertility journey.  I kind of hate the word "journey".  It seems redundant and overused and boring.  So 10 years into our infertility whatever-word-is-better-than-journey, I find myself facing a date that I NEVER thought I'd see and certaily hoped I wouldn't.  I was ready for this 'whatever' to be over, hmmm, about 9 years and 7 months ago.  But it's taken me every moment of the last 10 years to get to THIS place, where I can say that as difficult as it's been, it's also something I've been entrusted with. 

I was talking to a friend earlier today and she asked me if, since our diagnosis, I struggled with bitterness toward God or other doctors because of how common my issue is and if I wondered why this wasn't discovered 10 years ago. Honestly, I spent all of maybe 5 minutes thinking about it after we first met with Dr. Corfman, because I could not think that and look at Jeremiah without realizing that if it had been discovered all those years ago, he would not be mine. 

So when I think about the time I've spent walking in intense conversation with God, I realize what a privilege it all has been.  Crazy? Perhaps.  You should know by now that I'm not a pie-in-the-sky kind of gal but I can tell you this right now- I've spent far too much time trying to figure out what I needed to learn, or how I needed to change the condition of my heart (beneficial processes however) and not enough time accepting what I've been given, or been entrusted with.  I want to walk through this "assignment" well-and not just for the purpose of getting to the other side, but because I want to honor the One who gave it to me.

I'll let him decide when it's over.

"Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you." (1 Corinthians 7:17 emphasis added)

4 comments:

Amy said...

What great words of wisdom Tiffany! Hugs to you!

Marty said...

Oh my friend. I love, love, love your blog. I love how you can transition from what you tell Jeremiah to what you know you need to hear yourself. Thank you for your transparency. I hope we will see you in a couple weeks.

Marsha said...

That verse really speaks to my heart, and I need to be reminded of it again and again. It's not about "me." Great to have you as a sister in the Lord, a wonderful wife to our son, and a terrific mom to our grandson. I can't
wait to see you all again, Love, Marsha

Marsha said...

That verse really speaks to my heart, and I need to be reminded of it again and again. It's not about "me." Great to have you as a sister in the Lord, a wonderful wife to our son, and a terrific mom to our grandson. I can't
wait to see you all again, Love, Marsha