Early Pregnancy Loss.
That's what I watched the doctor scratch onto the lab forms during last Thursday morning's appointment. I lost the baby. I knew already that I lost it- I felt it rip away from my body and watched as it passed. A few sharp pains and my dream was gone.
But as I watched him write those words, I just wanted to scream, "STOP! You can't write that! Write something else!!" Something that wouldn't be such a stark conclusion to the brief weeks of beautiful promise I had been living. But there they were, those black scrawled letters screaming at me while I carried the form down to the lab. My eyes met Lee's and we spoke not a word, but poured our hearts out to each other all the while trying to stay out of the way of the phlebotomist. Could she hear all the words we were crying out to God? She had propped the form up next to her computer and all I could do while she was taking blood from my arm was stare at those three blasted words.
Last Wednesday had been spent cramping and spotting and as the day neared its end I knew something wasn't right. I rocked and rocked all the while praying, "Please, please, please save my baby! With a snap of your fingers, God, all could be well! Please don't take this away from me." But still the cramps came, the spotting never ceased.
In the morning when the baby passed I tended to it as best I could. I needed to hold it, to see it, to solidify in my mind and heart that it was real. I washed the tiny sac and held it in my hands. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I'm just so sorry I couldn't keep you longer. Go rest with Jesus now. Go rest with Jesus......"
As soon as the ground thaws our baby will be buried by my tulips in the backyard.
"Each bulb placed in the flowerbed had become a prayer- for freedom from the ache of the last several years of infertility, for understanding why I was unable to be whole, without constant pain... and as I dug down into the dark soil I began preparing my heart for change. A memorial, of sorts, was created and at the risk over over signifying and over spiritualizing things I cannot help but look at those flowers as a symbol of God's faithfulness! He took what I used for peace and closure and tripled it to blow me away. To me, it's just another sign of His desire to bless and a reminder of how He did." -May 17, 2008 entry
So here we are again, broken and waiting, trusting God to be who He claims to be when the ache of my loss tells me otherwise. How long and how deep must my sorrow run in this journey? As I cried and prayed myself to sleep last Thursday night that's all I could say. " How long and how deep, God?" In the morning when I woke up the words to Oh the Deep, Deep love of Jesus came over me.
Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean,
In it's fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me,
Is the current of thy love.
Leading onward, leading homeward,
to my glorious rest above!
O the deep, deep love of Jesus.
Spread His praise from shore to shore!
How He loveth, ever loveth,
changeth never, nevermore!
How He watches o'er His loved ones,
died to call them all His own.
How for them He intercedeth,
watcheth o'er them from the throne!
O the deep, deep love of Jesus,
love of ev'ry love the best!'
Tis an ocean vast of blessing,
'tis a haven sweet of rest!
O the deep, deep love of Jesus,
'tis a heav'n of heav'ns to me.
And it lifts me up to glory,
for it lifts me up to Thee!
It seemed to me that God was reminding me that however deep my sorrow runs, His love is deeper. I'm really trying hard to see that right now.
We already know all the things people are saying in their attempts to console. What helps is just knowing that people are hurting and praying with us, and hoping for us that God will pour out some much-needed love and bless us again. (Thank you to all of you that have been praying and sending cards, flowers, notes- we really do appreciate you thinking of us...)
I cannot argue with God on this one point- where our child rests is better than being with us, but as a mother I want to hold my child here and now. How grateful I am for the beautiful boy that spends his days seeking my arms, hugs, and kisses! God has used Jeremiah in so many ways to heal my heart and I love that little man more now than ever before. What else can I do but persevere? God has been faithful, He will be again.