Before the years are gone and I've lost my nerve...

'Cause this is what I've waited for..

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Serenity Now!

Today we are feeling a bit better than how things were going for us last week. The agency we are using is great, but sometimes it's best to eliminate the middle man from communicating between us and just talk to one another. We were a bit surprised with some of the ideas the birth mother had about how this whole openness thing was going to go, and had to take a few days to gather ourselves and attempt to think clearly. I remember a few hairy moments when thoughts like, "OK, God. I didn't agree to this whole thing expecting to have to share. This is not what I thought we had signed up for...." But then, this whole event has been completely His doing- so who am I to try to navigate the details, really?

So my biggest challenge? Receiving blessings, grabbing on to them with gratitude, but not clinging to them. What does that look like? Heck if I know right now, but I will try my best. And in the meantime we have to look deeper into this deal and pray, pray, pray for divine wisdom. Can anyone really decipher God's plan in the making? Sure, hindsight brings incredible perspective. But I don't have hindsight now and my only option is to pray, trust and step out. I remember in college coming across the verse in Joshua where God promises him that He will give Joshua every place where he will set his foot, and I picture this faith walk across a dark, bottomless chasm. As I walk suddenly these floating rocks just appear under my feet. (A few too many sci-fi movies, perhaps?) But even after one step appears I still find myself holding my breath until the next one, then the next one, and then finally one brings me to a steady place. Relief finally comes, but would I be prepared to turn around and walk it again? So another challenge is to learn, truly learn; not just 'whew! Made it through that one!', but really prepared to walk it again.

So as we process through how this open adoption is going to work out, we are attempting to look beyond this as just an answer to our prayers. Is God also planning to use this blessing as a way to reach out to the birth mom? What room in our hearts (beyond our obvious gratitude), can we make for her so that God can be revealed to her? So the dichotomy of my heart continues, but I know that obedience is my ultimate desire. We want to do what God has planned, knowing that if we prove trustworthy in this, He will be able to give more and more. And I remember another of my cries to God being, "Break off a slice for me!!!" So here I am, trying to digest this incredible portion. If only my eyes could me the size of my stomach.......

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