Before the years are gone and I've lost my nerve...

'Cause this is what I've waited for..



Monday, May 14, 2007

Heading Home....

We will be heading home to Duluth today. We debated between going on vacation somewhere or working on projects at the house and I don't think either of us are in a state of mind to truly enjoy a vacation. I think we need to do something productive- to build something when all we feel like is tearing things apart. Who knows? Maybe now we will finally build our deck.

Throughout this entire process, starting seven years ago, I feel like God has been working my heart over to truly desire Him alone- and be satisfied only with Him. That's why my theme song of late has been "Enough".

All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You Is more than enough

You are my supply My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
You are my reward Worth living for Yeah
Still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You Is more than enough

You're my sacrifice of greatest price
Still more awesome than I know
You're my coming King You're everything
Still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You all of you
Is more than enough.

I still cannot make it through this song without crying- It's been my prayer for so long. So today when it popped into my head I got angry.
"Lord, right now?"
And it was like He said, "Well, am I?' (Bear with me- I'm going to repeat a conversation I had with God this morning..)
"I don't know how you can possibly expect me to answer that!"
"Tiffany, if it's not true now, then it never was...."
Ouch.

So what are my options? I can either still believe that God is good, and if so, then I HAVE to believe that He is NOT DONE. Or I can believe that God is cruel and that receiving that call on Mother's Day, of all days, was just one more way to stick it to me. I can go there, believe me it wouldn't take much, but then what will become of my faith? of my heart? of my hope? And as small as all of those things are for me right now, I have to cling to something. Some semblance of a future where God actually grants this desire I feel HE put in my heart.

What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see. -Hebrews 11

For all those who have read previous entries- my floating faith walk continues! Please pray for us today as we go home. It will be very hard. The bassinet is still sitting beside my side of the bed, letters I was painting to hang in the nursery are still sitting on the kitchen table, the diaper bag-still in the backseat of the truck will need to find a storage place as well as the bottles and supplies I organized in the kitchen- Please pray that the nursery does not become a bitter shrine for us. Dear friends have offered to take care of things in the house for us before we get there- but I need to do it. I can easily allow some twisted time warp to happen in my head and pretend these last 3 months didn't happen- but I have to allow myself time to mourn when handling all the baby's things.

Lee told me last night that the first thing we are going to do is pray over that room. Pray boldly that God will fill it. Soon. We will believe that God is providing for us- even if right now it is just the strength I need for this very moment. Tomorrow will come and we will believe the same to be true then, and the next day, and the next day, and the next.

3 comments:

Jay said...

A truly beautiful story WILL unfold from this. It already has as you have ministered to so many by bringing us along on this journey. As a couple you have challenged my faith, and encouraged me to ask some tough questions about my own heart for God, as i'm sure others reading your journey have done in their own lives as well. God is not done- there will be a story to tell yet! HM

Marsha Gear said...

Amen! You are both a testimony of courage and faith. He has asked you to put Eva on the altar of faith, and you have obeyed. In His time, He will turn your tears of sorrow into tears of joy and bless you more abundantly than you can imagine. And we are lifting you up in prayer. Love, Marsha and Bud

Kristi said...

I am challenged in my faith as I listen to how you are tuned in to God's voice amidst the pain of this trial. How I long to hear his voice at times like you have experienced. It is in those small moments (sometimes very painful ones) when we allow ourselves to be still, that we can feel his presence. I am proud to call you my sister and I love that you are married to an incredible man of faith! God is not done with you yet. Be encouraged...He loves you more than anyone else does. James 5:11 says, "As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy." Take comfort in his truth and know that there is an army praying for you!
I love you both! Kristi