Before the years are gone and I've lost my nerve...

'Cause this is what I've waited for..

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

We've been home a few days now. I wanted to throw everything away when we walked in the door, but Lee was kind and gathered things up right away and put them in the closet of the baby's room. I still have this gift bag full of stuff the birth mom gave to us sitting by the side door, waiting to have something done with it. I almost threw it out yesterday, but we decided to bring it to Goodwill instead. I think if I throw it away I'd be succumbing to anger and I don't think either of us really want to go there for too long.

I woke up this morning with my brain still tracking with a dream I was having- the birth mom had decided to follow through with the adoption and we were all happy and smiling around the table. Seriously, I could do without that right now but there is no complete escape and apparently that is not what we are supposed to do- so I guess it's still just about enduring.

We watched a recording of one of our favorite shows last night. One of the characters desperately wants to have a baby but cannot and she was constantly running into pregnant women, couples who were adopting, etc. It was interesting watching this character become overwhelmed with not being able to escape from the one thing she desperately wanted, but it was even hard for us to watch her having a hard time. So we watched a lot of Ultimate Fighting- no chance of babies appearing on THAT show.

There is still no clear direction as to what to do now. I can only go back to work for 2 days a week so the shop can save money. We're trying to get another shop open this fall and cutting my hours was supposed to work out for everyone. I would be home more, able to spend much needed time bonding with the baby, and the shop would be able to put more money aside for start-up costs on the new location. Now Lee and I are just processing through what I should do- do I just work my 2 days a week or do I start looking for another job? But again, no clear direction so we are just going to hang out for a while until God gives us something.

The birth mom's social worker called us yesterday to check in. I was appreciative of her demeanor and the support she was offering to us. Our social worker just graduated so is out of the office this week- we haven't heard from her since late last week. If we continue on with this agency we will seek different representation. The birth mom's social worker filled us in on exactly what was happening with the baby. Birth mom's dad decided to look like the hero and offered her and the kids a place to stay (at his house with his wife and 11 year-old daughter) until he can find a house to rent for her. The social worker was pretty skeptical about how long that was going to last and did communicate to the birth mom that there was always an open door at the agency. She offered to keep us in the loop about how the birth mom was doing- but we told her we only wanted to hear anything if she had decided to follow through with the adoption. Aside from that, I'm having a hard time caring about anything she's doing. I'm not sure if feeling that right now falls under the "acceptable attitude" category, but it's where we are at.

We are trying to stay active, getting together with friends, working on projects in the lawn, and trying not to make too much sense of this 'stranded' feeling. We know God is not done, that His plan is still in motion so are just waiting it out like some drawn-out Chess move and trying REALLY hard not to say, "Just move the darn piece already."


Jay said...

I can't even imagine all the pain and hurt you must be feeling, but know that so many around you (me included)are interceding on your and Lee's behalf even when you feel you can't pray another word. You're in my prayers. HM

Marsha Gear said...

I am praying that God's peace and healing will overwhelm you both. You both love the Lord, so I am confident that if you rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him, He will give you your heart's desire. I am also asking Him that at some future point, He'll give you some understanding of this seemingly meaningless trial. Lifting you up, Marsha

Steve, Anne & Asher said...

We wish there were words we could say that would bring you comfort. We are grieving for you and with you. We love you and pray that God will heal your broken hearts.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Ora said...

People should read this.