On the precipice of joy..

I think I may have scared the social worker this morning when we talked because she was on the horn to me this evening with a very sympathetic attitude. Good. Time to work for us now.

So it appears that birth mom did indeed go into this bridge care with baby and her 2-year-old son. This bridge care is run by a couple who, from what it sounds like, have some sort of cottage-type thing that birth moms are able to stay in. It is not entirely kid-friendly so they had to do some arranging so that they could all be there. She will be able to get some help from the caregivers but will mostly be on her own- which I think is great because she needs to see if she is actually capable of handling two. She's been living with her grandmother for a while- but her grandma told her she was not allowed to bring the baby home to her house- she's too old and it's too much for her to handle. The birth mom thinks that this time in bridge care will help her distance herself from the pressure of her family and allow her time to really see what she is able to do. I'm so glad that she is trying to figure this out NOW when she's been singing a different tune for so many months. (Sorry- still a bit raw)

Tonight is her first night alone with the two children. Pray that she doesn't get any sleep! I checked and it's OK that we pray for her to have a miserable night....

From what our social worker said this evening, the birth mom is taking the weekend to be at bridge care and plans to have a decision on Monday. Pray that she doesn't wait that long! Pray that her cousin (who's not a good influence at all and can't even care for her dog) will shut her mouth of lies, that the birth mom will wake up tomorrow and realize that the decision made so long ago be confirmed.

We've been in and out of this emotional haze for the last 24 hours. I'm pretty sure I get a certain look on my face when I'm about to lose it, because Lee's been watching me pretty closely and numerous times he's interrupted me with words like, "Don't spiral on me, Tiff. Stick with me." And I want so much to hold fast, and God has held me close. Lee looked at me earlier and said, "I can feel people praying- I don't know how to explain it, but I can feel it." Pretty cool, and honestly I'm grasping on to that fiercely. So thank you, all who have been praying!

Snippets from songs have fluttered into my brain all day and I know those things are not coincidence. For example this Third Day song has been ringing through my head:

"It doesn't take much for my heart to break
and you have done it for what seems the millionth time.
Whenever I hear of your saving grace
and how you gave your life in exchange for mine.
Sometimes I wonder why you even love me?
And why you ever chose to call me child?
Then I remember, it's by your sacrifice
and I can say that I am yours and you are mine.
It doesn't take much for me to shed a tear,
and you have done so many things to make me cry.
Whenever I think of all that I've done wrong
and everything that you have done to make it right.
Sometimes I wonder why you even love me?
And why you ever chose to call me child?
Then I remember, it's by your sacrifice
and I can say that I am yours and you are mine.
I can say that I am yours and you are mine."

Remember the character of God, Tiffany. He doesn't dangle things in front of us just to rip them away. So I will cling to the character of God because clinging to people and their promises has not proven trustworthy. He is the only one that can make this possible, and I will choose to trust even thought right now it is one of the last things I feel like I can do. I don't understand the 'why' of this and I don't know why I feel like knowing that would even help me. If I knew that we were going through all of this just for the sake of someone else, say the birth mom, would I still be as receptive to what God was doing? Or would I not pay as much attention because it didn't have that much to do with me?

A cool thing happened tonight. It affected both my mom and myself the same way, so I think God was trying to encourage my heart. We went out to dinner tonight and spent some time at Fleet Farm (my mom likes their almonds better than anywhere else- I know, but you don't know what length she'll go to for a good almond) and I completely lost it in one of the aisles. Poor Lee, one minute he was talking about these knee-high Sorel boots and the next he's wiping me up off the floor. Shortly after we got back to my parents' house there was a knock on the door. The girls who were our very first foster children 16 years ago stopped by to say hello and give my mom some senior pictures. They were in our home for about a year and were adopted by my dad's co-worker. The story of how this couple adopted these children is a testimony of God's amazing and complete control- their family is a living breathing example of God providing a home to children who needed it, and children to a couple who wanted a family more than anything. God reminded me of His awesome tenderness, and I'm grateful that He laid it on these girls' hearts to come here tonight- the day we were supposed to be bringing our little girl home.

I am so sad, and so scared, but I know that God is good. I know that He loves us, that He is full of mercy and compassion. I know that He delights in us, that He will carry on to completion that which He started, that He has a plan to prosper us and not to harm us. These things I know and it's these things I will cling to.